Have you ever had that feeling where you know you just don't fit in? I'm sure a variety of people have felt this way at least once in their life. Have you ever opened your eyes and realized that life has so much to offer and you're trapped in a closet? Not necessarily physically locked in a closet but more like mentally trapped in a world of discomfort and pain. The feeling of not being able to be yourself because you're terrified of being who you truly are?
I understand that feeling because I felt it for more than 10 years of my life. No I am not saying that I walked around school with red hair or piercing on my eye lids. I walked around my school, restaurants, and even my home terrified that someone would find out my big secret. No, I didn't kill anyone or throw a body in my closet. It was more like I was afraid of myself and what I truly wanted. I grew up in a typical mexican family where marriage is a huge thing. You find someone you truly care about, marry them then have kids and live happily ever after. The hard part about that fairy tale story was I didnt want to find my prince charming, it was more like I wanted to find my Cinderella.
Yes the person who is typing this blog is gay. No I'm not a bad person for it and I don't think i should be judged because of it. If you agree with it or not it wont change my mind of who I am and who I will be in the future. And it certainly shouldn't matter when it comes to how I write. I have read about so many amazing inspirational gay authors that it truly inspires me to be a great writer as well.
But anyway I came out not too long ago because I decided that hiding who I am wasn't going to help me through life. If I can't even accept myself how were others going to accept me or even respect me for that matter. I've seen colleagues, actors, singers, family members come out about their sexuality and they raised their heads high and didnt let anyone bring them down. What I also saw was the reality of the cruel world we live in. I saw friends of friends kill themselves because they were literally bullied to death. I certainly didnt want to put myself through that, at least I didnt think I could handle such embarrasment. What was I embarrased of? Being gay or being different? A little of both unfortunately. And to this day I am embarrassed that I had enough shame to not be open with the people that loved me. It was as if they were loving someone they truly didn't know.
I woke up everyday and went on with my daily activities like I was this girl they knew all about. Until one day I realized not only were they skimming over an important detail but so was I. I would act like my attraction to females was something to hide, something to be ashamed of because I knew it would be looked at as "different." Who was I to judge myself for being who I really was? I wasted my entire life being afraid of such a beautiful person. I could have been out there falling in love with an amazing girl. Instead I was listening to society and forcing myself to love a man because it was the "normal" thing to do.
What is "normal" in this society? What is the difference between black and white? They're both colors correct? But do they truly define objects, or are they just the picture on the surface? It shouldn't matter if someone loves the same sex or if they're into sports or not. I have learned to be myself. And since the day I let the rest of the world know that I was a beautiful person no matter my sexual preference I have smiled more than i used to. And I continue to accept myself as the days pass me by. Everyday I find myself and I smile a little bigger, my head gets a little higher, and my hope for the future grows immensely. I one day wish to let others know that it will be okay. It will be quite the struggle at first, but it will worth it in the end. Love is a universal thing, it should have no color or gender. Love is beautiful, patient, and kind. No matter if the one you're in love with is a man or women. Always, always remember that life will be tough but nothing feels more significant than knowing who you truly are and loving every ounce of it.
