Last Hope

In life we go through situations that seem like a nightmare that we can never quite wake up from. The emotions and feelings are unexplainable because you feel every possible feeling at that moment. You feel like shattering, breaking, and nothing can save you. The pain slowly goes through your veins like morphine. It begins to numb you from your heart to your brain. You stop feeling because nohting else can save you anymore. Until one day someone comes into your life and gives you hope. They make the numbness go away, they make your heart beat again, and most importantly they bring you back to life. But then they shatter you into little pieces, leaving you numb again. Until you learn that this numbness isnt what you think it is. Every situation, every event, every nightmare becomes a test instead of a feeling. And every time, you take the same test you start to get it. You start getting better, you become stronger. Because this test we call life, well its in different forms because for some its hard and for others its not. Its how we choose to prepare for it that matters. Its how we react to the results not the level of difficulty.

Hold on till May

I'm sad and happy at the same time. And I'm still trying to figure out how that can be. I just want someone, anyone to look me in the eye and tell me that I'm going to be okay someday. I want them to tell me that these scars will fade away someday and wont haunt me for the rest of my life. I'd like to wake up someday and not be afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I dont know exactly why I'm still hurting so much. I have let the past define who I am and create the person I am right now. The distinct images of my past haunt me every time I blink. I feel as if I'm locked in a room with sins pouring out of me. I cant hide who I am anymore because its all starting to spill out from my dreams, my goals, and even my words and actions.
I dont want the world to see me, cus I dont think that they'd understand. I dont think anyone truly knows whats killing me everyday, and no matter how much I want to say it I cant. I can't let it become my identity. I cant let others see what is tearing me apart because it would only open the wounds up even more. I am not a fake, I am me all the way. But I am hiding the biggest secret of my life and its killing me slowly every single day. Its not about her, or them, its about me. It's about the falsification of my life and how I've learned to cover up the bad with a smile that I cant control anymore. Because all my life I have been told that I need to keep being strong. I've always been the one to smile even when everything inside me is on fire. I've always been the one who had to stand up straight and act like nothing can ever destroy me. What if I want to just be weak for a day or two. What if I want to just cry and let the world know that I am strong but I deserve to fall at times. They say that sometimes being strong is the only thing you're left with. I disagree. I've been strong this entire time and I've seen other options when bad things happen to me. Instead of letting myself go I pick myself up and keep walking. But I'm just so damn tired that I dont feel like walking anymore. I just want stop and let life take me away for a while. I just want to forgive myself before I can go on and forgive everyone else. I want to tell myself I'm beautiful before I tell everyone else they are. I want to love myself. Just for a minute without feeling bad about it.
But I dont want to become the victim nor the one who is holding the gun. I just want someone to know who I am without judging me for a split second. I dont want someone to tell me I'll be okay just so I can shut up or they can get money out of it. I just want someone to love me for all the sins I have committed. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me I'm a monster but it's okay because there is always a light somewhere in a tunnel. I want someone to know the real me and understand why I've been hiding behind the music and smiles for so long. Just for once in my life I want to know that tomorrow will not be another battle but a gateway to recovery.