Confusion at it's finest

I lift my head up to only see that others are broken without a visual. I can understand that their smile isnt real but a mask to cover the pain. They dont understand that we fight a battle everyday and they have no clue. They watch us with intensity in the moments where we are holding it together, trying our best not to break. But they turn away when our veins are bursting through our skin. We see the world as a playground in our best moments but our battlefield when we wake. I dont understand the world just as much as they do. They seem just as lost and confused as I have been for the last 18 years of life. We fight like itll be our last breath but we dont enjoy like its our first. We see the negative outcomes of every situation instead of seeing it as a lesson. Our lives are not clear because we think too much, we over analyze every detail of our every day life. We dont enjoy the details, we make them clues as to what is next.
She lifts her head to only see the smiling faces of the people she loves most. She understands their joy and happiness of life. She makes life seem so easy because nothing seems more clear than the life she has lived. She walks from hall to hall with nothing but a grin, saying hello to strangers who also enjoy life. She wakes everyday to only laugh at the gift God has blessed her with. Her every breath is never a regret but a thank you for letting her have another. Her eyes glisten with the sun and they light up the others around. Her soul is there, her mind is filled with love, and her heart is filled with hope. She enjoys the moments and appreciates the details. She never puts her head down because that is her first sign of death. She only looks up to her future and engraves the prosperous words of others into her heart. She is not giving up ever. She will never give up. Because giving up means she has lost the war.
I dont really understand myself. I dont understand the things I write sometimes either. I just let my mind do the talking and my heart do the correcting. I dont understand why sometimes I can be both the views above. I see the world as an imperfect place and I can see it as the most breathtaking place God has to offer. I dont understand why sometimes I feel maybe I look at others and wonder if theyre going through the same. Does it really matter? They arent effecting me or anything why should I think about it all the time. Why do I always wonder what the hell others are feeling and thinking about. As long as they arent hurting me it shouldnt ever matter. I dont understand this passage. I dont really know if who I"m talking about is me. Of if its someone I see in the mirror. Why? Who? When? How? I'm misunderstood and this is by the far the most confusing blog youll ever have to read thats mine. Because right now I'm broken into two people. The dark side and the good side. And to be honest they both feel so good. And later I might feel like the strong girl who enjoys every detail. But for now I'll just smile and act like everything's ok.
Good day.