Unconditional

Excuse me for my absence of such a long time. I took the time to save myself before the tide washed me up on the dirt. Without no clear ending of who I was. I walked the tunnels of heaven, hell, and everything in between. The bitter taste of betrayal and the sweetness of love filled my veins in the past couple of months. A year ago I was a stray being told where to go if I was not welcomed. I was a part of a leaderless pack because no one knew the direction to success. Smoke filled my broken lungs, alcohol ran through my young body, and hatred built up in my heart. I wanted nothing and everything to do with myself. I consumed myself with fear of continuing because at that point I did not see a near future all because of the chains and scars that covered me from head to toe. I was a nobody or should I say a human with no direction or soul. "I tried to save myself but I failed." I covered the pain with laughter, smiles that lasted too long, and happiness that wasn't even real. I wasn't a fake, I promise, I was just being strong because it was expected. Giving up in my family and friends was not optional because than you were defined as a coward. I do not blame them you know. I do not blame them one bit. Cowardice is not acceptable in this world. We are taught to suck it up and "let it go." Well what the hell happens to those who don't have the physical or mental ability to continue? Do we get guilt tripped into thinking we are weak and stupid? No, no. That's not how this works you see. This is how it worked out for me.
Yes, I admit I was a true coward because I did give up and I let myself go. I was so lost yet I thought I was brave to let people see the true side of myself. Just because I am considered a good person doesn't mean I am perfect. I failed too, I failed miserably. At this point I even laugh at how badly I was doing because in my present perspective I am so much different. I made mistakes and here I am still living each day as if it my last. I still cry a lot, I laugh until my belly can no longer take it, and to be honest I still sin like a damn child. I dont mean that in an absolute terrible way, but what can I do? I am 19 and I go to college. And I believe that it's time to let you all know what this is about. Well let me begin with thank you for having reached this far of this writing i guess you can say. Taking the time out to actually read something that has nothing to do with you. But maybe you can take this as a lesson, and maybe you can read between the lines and I may just be relating to you. So here it goes.
9 months ago, almost 10 I started dating someone. Someone I never thought would cross my path. She was the combination of smart and dangerous. She was broken just as much as I was and we had no idea what the hell we had just gotten ourselves into. She is something else let me say. And yes I know you will read this, and you'll wonder what I mean by that. Let me just say this to you, "You're a good kind of crazy" you are my crazy, passionate soul mate who understands me when I look at walls and speak to inanimate objects. As I was saying things were rocky for a while, but what was I expecting from this all. We started at rock bottom and we had to somehow make our way up. We spent all day, everyday together trying to figure out where this would all go. We purposely pushed each others buttons to see if this was true. As I expected I held on tighter than hell, and to my surprise she did too. I was a pain in the ass as was she but it was such a blissful feeling to have someone be so much like me yet be so much different at the same time. She was everything I needed in my life and it's what I got. She was the only one brave enough to reach into the pit to pull me out even if it took  me months to do so. She was there to keep me on track and let me know what I was doing was not impossible. Going from horrible grades and skipping classes consistently to a full schedule of classes and managing to bump up a GPA high enough to call myself a true scholar was just the beginning. I stopped crying so much and I started smiling longer. She was my miracle story. And now we are moving together, ready to begin our lives. I'm not saying that she saved me because its impossible to save someone, but what is possible is to love someone until they begin to save themselves. And thats exactly what she did. I lost so many people in my life in this short amount of time who did not want to stick around and watch me grow. But those who did, and those who chose to get on this insane ride with me, thank you so much for believing in me and not giving up no matter the distance we have. Friends and family I am sorry for "alienating" myself but I needed it. Because guess what I am now a successful and much more positive person. I have a future now, and I know because I can see it. With a diploma in one hand and success in the other. I can do this and I hope this gives those who have no faith in themselves a little piece of hope that I would love to share with you. It's not a bad life, it's truly just a bad day sometimes.
This story will continue because my end is no where near. I will not give up and I promised myself that since the first day I wanted to give up. And this goes out to all those lost souls "Lift up your eyes discouraged one, when you feel like giving up, when they say it can't be done, show them they're wrong". Everyday I prove myself wrong by getting up. Thank you god, my family, my friends and last but not least my best friend Xanthe. I'm back.