Beneath The Skin

I can't really explain what it means to be me because I'm still trying to figure myself out each and every day. Some days I can wake up feeling like the entire world is on my shoulders and the floor beneath me has fallen and others I'm just okay. Feeling truly happy has been a hard concept to grasp because it isn't as easy as people can see. Of course I am grateful and fortunate to have what I have because God intended it to be that way. It's so much more than that. It's not about not having enough to be grateful for but rather how to be enough for myself and the rest of the world. At times I can't feel my body because my mind is too busy telling me to give up. It's a dark hole that seems endless and that light at the end of the tunnel never shows when it's supposed to. Imagine standing in the rain and drowning from how hard the water hits you and how overwhelmed of the amount it is that's coming from above. It's a little like that but a lot more hurtful and it feels like the pain will never go away. I've checked out a couple times because at times it's better than hurting those who have nothing to do with what's going on in my head. It's there and I know it's there because it prevents me from living a completely healthy life. Not just association with others but looking at the mirror and being content with what I see. Years have passed and my body continues to change dramatically, it seems uncontrollable. Not only is it physical but mental. It's deteriorating my thoughts about society and mainly how I perceive myself in this world. I don't see a future at times because tomorrow is still too far ahead for me. I can't begin to describe what the past has done for me because it's a mixture of torturous feelings and many lessons learned. The past is a window I continue to look back on and remember though how far I have come. Although there are days where I can't see a positive outcome I try to form some kind of outcome other than utter failure. I don't have to just fail a school assignment or forgetting to say I love you to my loved ones but even just forgetting to breathe because of how much is going on around me. It's so overwhelming at times but if I've made it this far why would I give it up all now? Why would I take the easy way out of things when I could suffer for a little bit longer to live the best days to come? Although everyday presents me with a harder task I find some kind of strength to move forward. New demons appear but that doesn't mean I am a demon myself. I need to find the courage to make them leave my heart and my mind. I can't let them win anymore or else I will truly fail as a human. 

This isn't for the sympathy of others to look at me and say sorry for feeling the way I do because I don't want any of that. I want people to understand that even some of the funniest, nicest, and determined people out there can be emotionally broken. Something they can't fix with a good night kiss or even a hello. For most, like myself it's just the warmth of a breath to keep me going, to make me realize this is reality and I'm only given this opportunity once. It takes time to mend a broken heart, fix a scarred memory, and help one with a mental illness. I am not my disease but it is a part of my story. It won't be a part of my description for the rest of my life because I believe I can beat this. I can believe that this depression chose me so I can become a good person. So I can learn to appreciate every bit of life that is given to me. I do not hope that others suffer with any type of illness but don't wait until that time to realize what you have in front of you. We take everything for granted and it makes me wonder why we deserve to be here if we aren't thankful for what we are given. If you are a genuinely good person that gives back to the community and to those who have held out a hand when needed most keep doing what you are doing. Because those who are like me just want a hand when we can't get up ourself. We just want to feel something other than the miserable pain we have to suppress every single moment. I choose to suppress my feeling because it makes me feel better and no one else has to go through the pains with me. I though it was growing pains but when the darkness in my head never lit up I knew something was wrong. And maybe yesterday I was lost and didn't think today could be imaginable.  And maybe tomorrow I won't be here at all to hold any type of hope in my heart. But today I am here to make the best of what I am given. A heartbeat, a breath taking moment for a half second, or even a tear of happiness that I'm alive. Me vs. me has always been my biggest fight. But that doesn't mean I don't have the strength to become my own legacy.