Epiphany 101

Last night I had an epiphany about almost everything in my life. As I was laying in my bed I realized that I wasnt where I wanted to be. Not physically in the wrong house or spot. I was mentally lost because I knew that this was just the beginning to a new story. For the past couple months, or year I'd say my life changed more than expected. I went downhill instead of using all the negative energy to help me succeed I let it rip me apart. I let it define who I was by showing people that it was killing me rather than making me stronger. Many things happened that I dont want to touch on because I probably wouldnt stop typing. The list is too long. And there I go again thinking that its ok to just give up just because Ive had a bad case of luck. I dont think things happen to me because I'm a bad person. I think they happen to me because God wants to prepare me for what is to come. But if you really think about it how prepared can you be for life? Life will always throw curveballs no matter how prepared you think you are. Life doesnt get any easier you just become stronger. And even though I sit in my bed and whine about how much I hate my life, at times I cry because I cant believe I want to give up after all the things God has blessed me with. I have a family, a house, a job, friends, and so much more. I have more than half the population on earth. I can talk, walk, and all my body part are here. Well some.
Sometimes I dont understand why I feel so bad for myself. I have everything I could possibly ask for. And sometimes I think maybe I dont deserve all of what I have. All I know is that I have struggled through life. I have been through things that I thought would be unbearable. And sometimes I wonder how I can smile with all thats going. And then I think i deserve to smile because of all the unfortunate events that have shaped me. They dont define who I truly am but they have formed me into a really great person. I have learned to love and never hate. I dont know what others are going through and thats why I always try not to judge others. I know how terrible it feels to have someone talk bad about me when they dont even really know me. Just because I'm gay doesnt mean I'm a bad person. It doesnt mean that I'm a typical gay person. Stereotyping isnt my thing and thats why I refuse to label others. I dont understand what theyre going through and they certainly dont know my story either.
I dont really know where I'm going with this blog except that I have learned a lot in the past year. From how strong I can be to how envious I can selfishly be. Of course I wish I had what others have but I dont treat people differently because they have more or less than I do. I have learned to pick my head up and keep going. Of course I have my moments where giving up is the easiest thing. And as I was talking to my sister today she told me how amazing psychology is as a career. Its very hard and you have to be smart. I'm certainly not the smartest or dumbest kid but I have the potential to learn. And what I love most about my future career is that I'll be helping others. I have the personality to listen and to advise. I had bad things happen to me as a kid, an adolescent, and a young adult. I want to help those who went through what i went through or worse. Because I know how terrible it feels to feel helpless, worthless, and just straight depressed. I want to help because Ive been helped. I want to love becuase Ive been loved. I lost someone so special to me through suicide and I hope to help someone realize that life is worth it. Nothing is as a painful as realizing that with suicide you cant come back. Theres no second chance, you're done at where you draw the line. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Anyone whos reading this and wants someone to listen, I'm here. I will do my best to give you the best advice i have. But what I can do is listen and understand.