Beneath The Skin

I can't really explain what it means to be me because I'm still trying to figure myself out each and every day. Some days I can wake up feeling like the entire world is on my shoulders and the floor beneath me has fallen and others I'm just okay. Feeling truly happy has been a hard concept to grasp because it isn't as easy as people can see. Of course I am grateful and fortunate to have what I have because God intended it to be that way. It's so much more than that. It's not about not having enough to be grateful for but rather how to be enough for myself and the rest of the world. At times I can't feel my body because my mind is too busy telling me to give up. It's a dark hole that seems endless and that light at the end of the tunnel never shows when it's supposed to. Imagine standing in the rain and drowning from how hard the water hits you and how overwhelmed of the amount it is that's coming from above. It's a little like that but a lot more hurtful and it feels like the pain will never go away. I've checked out a couple times because at times it's better than hurting those who have nothing to do with what's going on in my head. It's there and I know it's there because it prevents me from living a completely healthy life. Not just association with others but looking at the mirror and being content with what I see. Years have passed and my body continues to change dramatically, it seems uncontrollable. Not only is it physical but mental. It's deteriorating my thoughts about society and mainly how I perceive myself in this world. I don't see a future at times because tomorrow is still too far ahead for me. I can't begin to describe what the past has done for me because it's a mixture of torturous feelings and many lessons learned. The past is a window I continue to look back on and remember though how far I have come. Although there are days where I can't see a positive outcome I try to form some kind of outcome other than utter failure. I don't have to just fail a school assignment or forgetting to say I love you to my loved ones but even just forgetting to breathe because of how much is going on around me. It's so overwhelming at times but if I've made it this far why would I give it up all now? Why would I take the easy way out of things when I could suffer for a little bit longer to live the best days to come? Although everyday presents me with a harder task I find some kind of strength to move forward. New demons appear but that doesn't mean I am a demon myself. I need to find the courage to make them leave my heart and my mind. I can't let them win anymore or else I will truly fail as a human. 

This isn't for the sympathy of others to look at me and say sorry for feeling the way I do because I don't want any of that. I want people to understand that even some of the funniest, nicest, and determined people out there can be emotionally broken. Something they can't fix with a good night kiss or even a hello. For most, like myself it's just the warmth of a breath to keep me going, to make me realize this is reality and I'm only given this opportunity once. It takes time to mend a broken heart, fix a scarred memory, and help one with a mental illness. I am not my disease but it is a part of my story. It won't be a part of my description for the rest of my life because I believe I can beat this. I can believe that this depression chose me so I can become a good person. So I can learn to appreciate every bit of life that is given to me. I do not hope that others suffer with any type of illness but don't wait until that time to realize what you have in front of you. We take everything for granted and it makes me wonder why we deserve to be here if we aren't thankful for what we are given. If you are a genuinely good person that gives back to the community and to those who have held out a hand when needed most keep doing what you are doing. Because those who are like me just want a hand when we can't get up ourself. We just want to feel something other than the miserable pain we have to suppress every single moment. I choose to suppress my feeling because it makes me feel better and no one else has to go through the pains with me. I though it was growing pains but when the darkness in my head never lit up I knew something was wrong. And maybe yesterday I was lost and didn't think today could be imaginable.  And maybe tomorrow I won't be here at all to hold any type of hope in my heart. But today I am here to make the best of what I am given. A heartbeat, a breath taking moment for a half second, or even a tear of happiness that I'm alive. Me vs. me has always been my biggest fight. But that doesn't mean I don't have the strength to become my own legacy. 

The Last Hope

What they don't understand is that it's internal and no one can ever truly understand why it hurts so much. That a laugh and smile can only go so far but never truly heal the hole inside us. Nothing specific has to happen for it to ignite the flames that burn us from the inside out. It always lingers in the back with the fear that it might just return to destroy all the progress we've worked for. And sometimes it lets us live a life where we can be at peace with it. We can let life take control and let our emotions handle what comes our way. And there's other times where there is no control. There's no light at the end of the tunnel because in reality there is no tunnel. Just a place where everything hurts and nothing heals. We can call it depression or just an addiction to the darkness. But the suicide, it's not a selfish act it's just a gateway to our problems. We may leave the world scarred, we may leave family and friends ashamed, sad, or even hurt. But I've witnessed it all. Why people do what they do. Why they leave us with so many questions. But I've learned they leave us with a lesson. To realize that any day is our last and that we should appreciate everyone. Even if they make us laugh, but who makes them laugh? Who makes them laugh in the end? Who heals their pain and distraught of the world? 

This is to Rob Williams. Like everyone's post these past two days. Just know that  I know how you feel Rob. I may not know it all but I have an idea and it already hurts so much. You were such a talented man and I watched you grow older and more fragile. I am another one of your billions of fans writing about you. But just know I have you in my heart and prayers. Depression and suicide live close to all of us and we may not all see it. But it's an illness and I hope that now that you're resting you can watch out for the rest of us who struggle everyday. Depressed or not. You're an angel that God needed. To everyone else who may not understand, please try to. It's a mental illness, you can't see it and it's not contagious. But it's just as hard as having a physical disability. You're all gods miracle. He doesn't make any mistakes. R.I.P Rob Williams. And to everyone else who's passed from this. May god be with you all. 

Divinity

This next blog is solely dedicated to those whom believe they have to be a certain way to be loved.
First things first my name is Amanda and I believe that women and men have a role to play in this world and that is to love themselves fully without any conditions. Love yourself unconditionally because no one else will until you do so first. You can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. I completely understand why people feel they have to live up to others standards. I did so all my life and continue to do so. Why? Because we live in a world where we are convinced that perfection does exist even if we all know it does not. We strive to be like others that are rich and famous, instead of trying to be ourselves we look up to others who at times aren't the most influential people.
I am not here to disrespect anyone in particular but I am here to say that the media is full of shit. We have focused our lives solely on what we watch others do because face it, this world is ran by technology and social media. You don't meet someone at a library anymore, you meet them at the club because the first thing you did was stalk their social networks. We look for answers about ourselves in other people. Our friends, family, partners, and especially those who have a voice on the media. Instead of finding ones inner self we try to be like others, and this generation is supposed to be know as "unique". No we are far from that goal because even though we have made a difference we are still the sheep following all the others because if you stray away you are known as "different" and "weird." In my opinion, those things are not bad at all. Everyone I meet says I'm a bit weird but I'm glad they'll remember me from my strangeness. I will have a spot in their memory as someone that taught them something, and that is to be different and be proud of it.
Back to the main subject. BE YOURSELF. No one else will do that for you because there is no one just like you. It does not matter if you are skinny, fat, short, tall, pretty, or ugly. Those who do not pay attention to their physical attributes pay attention to their personality. They pay attention to the things that matter and that is to leave an impression on the world, help the world become a better place not a
"prettier" place. Looks fade but your character is always there. It's truly a sad thing to see how far we have come but with every step forward, we take three steps back. We continue to degrade people and act as if one sole accomplishment can erase all the negativity we still bring.
I may not be an inspirational person that stands up for everyone because I am still trying to stand up for myself as a person. But the progress of knowing that I deserve better and that I am human and I deserve respect is a bigger step than most. I am so thankful and grateful for those men and women who stand up for themselves and everyone around them. You guys are the real heroes of this age because we will not come to peace with each other until we learn to accept each others lifestyles. We may not agree with it but sometimes the first step to such things is acceptance. If we can accept others and let them live their lives we will be at peace with ourselves.
Don't try to change someone, you will fail miserably. We will fail by trying to change the whole world. Instead we should let everyone bring their own characteristics to the tables and let the true meaning of "uniqueness" begin. We all live in a world of insecurities and hatred, wanting to be someone else because they have more, are more. You are enough to this world. Always believe that because no one will you see your worth but yourself. You have the chance to make something bigger than yourself, always attempt to be a better person than you were yesterday. Don't challenge others, but challenge yourself. Do things that scare you so you don't have the regret of not trying.
Well it's a little scattered, but always remember that you're special in your own way. No one is like you and that's already an accomplishment. Make this cold hearted world see what you have to offer. Stand up for yourself and stand up for others if the situation arises. You might just save someones life with just a word. You're all such beautiful people. You have the ability to speak up, so make a difference and be outstanding. Don't miss your opportunity.
"Ghandi once said that whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it's very important that you do it because nobody else will.
I know this won't change the world but I hope that my words can change your day, your week, or even your life. And if you're reading this and I don't know you, well I love you. Because everyone deserves to be loved.
Thank you.

Unconditional

Excuse me for my absence of such a long time. I took the time to save myself before the tide washed me up on the dirt. Without no clear ending of who I was. I walked the tunnels of heaven, hell, and everything in between. The bitter taste of betrayal and the sweetness of love filled my veins in the past couple of months. A year ago I was a stray being told where to go if I was not welcomed. I was a part of a leaderless pack because no one knew the direction to success. Smoke filled my broken lungs, alcohol ran through my young body, and hatred built up in my heart. I wanted nothing and everything to do with myself. I consumed myself with fear of continuing because at that point I did not see a near future all because of the chains and scars that covered me from head to toe. I was a nobody or should I say a human with no direction or soul. "I tried to save myself but I failed." I covered the pain with laughter, smiles that lasted too long, and happiness that wasn't even real. I wasn't a fake, I promise, I was just being strong because it was expected. Giving up in my family and friends was not optional because than you were defined as a coward. I do not blame them you know. I do not blame them one bit. Cowardice is not acceptable in this world. We are taught to suck it up and "let it go." Well what the hell happens to those who don't have the physical or mental ability to continue? Do we get guilt tripped into thinking we are weak and stupid? No, no. That's not how this works you see. This is how it worked out for me.
Yes, I admit I was a true coward because I did give up and I let myself go. I was so lost yet I thought I was brave to let people see the true side of myself. Just because I am considered a good person doesn't mean I am perfect. I failed too, I failed miserably. At this point I even laugh at how badly I was doing because in my present perspective I am so much different. I made mistakes and here I am still living each day as if it my last. I still cry a lot, I laugh until my belly can no longer take it, and to be honest I still sin like a damn child. I dont mean that in an absolute terrible way, but what can I do? I am 19 and I go to college. And I believe that it's time to let you all know what this is about. Well let me begin with thank you for having reached this far of this writing i guess you can say. Taking the time out to actually read something that has nothing to do with you. But maybe you can take this as a lesson, and maybe you can read between the lines and I may just be relating to you. So here it goes.
9 months ago, almost 10 I started dating someone. Someone I never thought would cross my path. She was the combination of smart and dangerous. She was broken just as much as I was and we had no idea what the hell we had just gotten ourselves into. She is something else let me say. And yes I know you will read this, and you'll wonder what I mean by that. Let me just say this to you, "You're a good kind of crazy" you are my crazy, passionate soul mate who understands me when I look at walls and speak to inanimate objects. As I was saying things were rocky for a while, but what was I expecting from this all. We started at rock bottom and we had to somehow make our way up. We spent all day, everyday together trying to figure out where this would all go. We purposely pushed each others buttons to see if this was true. As I expected I held on tighter than hell, and to my surprise she did too. I was a pain in the ass as was she but it was such a blissful feeling to have someone be so much like me yet be so much different at the same time. She was everything I needed in my life and it's what I got. She was the only one brave enough to reach into the pit to pull me out even if it took  me months to do so. She was there to keep me on track and let me know what I was doing was not impossible. Going from horrible grades and skipping classes consistently to a full schedule of classes and managing to bump up a GPA high enough to call myself a true scholar was just the beginning. I stopped crying so much and I started smiling longer. She was my miracle story. And now we are moving together, ready to begin our lives. I'm not saying that she saved me because its impossible to save someone, but what is possible is to love someone until they begin to save themselves. And thats exactly what she did. I lost so many people in my life in this short amount of time who did not want to stick around and watch me grow. But those who did, and those who chose to get on this insane ride with me, thank you so much for believing in me and not giving up no matter the distance we have. Friends and family I am sorry for "alienating" myself but I needed it. Because guess what I am now a successful and much more positive person. I have a future now, and I know because I can see it. With a diploma in one hand and success in the other. I can do this and I hope this gives those who have no faith in themselves a little piece of hope that I would love to share with you. It's not a bad life, it's truly just a bad day sometimes.
This story will continue because my end is no where near. I will not give up and I promised myself that since the first day I wanted to give up. And this goes out to all those lost souls "Lift up your eyes discouraged one, when you feel like giving up, when they say it can't be done, show them they're wrong". Everyday I prove myself wrong by getting up. Thank you god, my family, my friends and last but not least my best friend Xanthe. I'm back.

Such A Beautiful Disaster

Looking in the mirror was torture for months. I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. I was a lost soul who would smile to keep the sharks from smelling blood. Faking a happy life because it was better than being asked what was wrong. When everything hurts, staying quiet is better than screaming for help. The poison of everyday consumed me inch by inch, day in and day out. I forgot what it meant to be alive because nothing really mattered to me except making it to the next day. I was a corpse waiting to breathe again.
You came into my life. You had a lost look in your eyes, I was so familiar with this  look because I had seen it a million times before. I tried to fix that mirror you looked into to help you see the beauty beneath the pain. Although the sharp edges to that mirror would stab me I kept trying to fix it. Looking at my hands and only seeing blood for days was killing me in the process. Your pain was slowly becoming my own. But I stayed and watched you turn cold, I would share my warmth even if it wasnt enough. I knew that our wounds would become scars, I was just waiting around for them to heal. I sat there and cried because your coldness would kill me and leave me stranded alone. One day you loved me the next you were a stranger. But I knew it wasn't my fault you were this way. Your past still lingered in your mind and made you who you were for weeks.
Yesterday, today, and even tomorrow I have chosen to stay by you no matter how much you push me away. You have slowly become a part of me. A part of the reason why my heart beats every second. I may not be your perfect cup of tea but I'll be your shoulder to cry on, your best friend, your guide to move forward. I will continue to fight for your happiness because you have taught me to be alive again. Looking in the mirror is not a problem as long as youre by my side. You helped me heal, you helped me forget the past that haunted me for months. You are the reason why I am slowly starting to believe in love again.
Thank you. You know who you are. You are the reason why I wake up smiling everyday. Why people have noticed the glow in my face. I had no idea that someone can change your life in a matter of months. How someone who was also broken can become a part of you and help you through every struggle. You may have been a reason why I cried some nights but only because I loved you so much and it tore me to see you hurt. I wanted to take your pain away so badly it ended up hurting me because I wasnt able to be a hero for you. You saved me... You continue to save me every single day. Your voice is the first thing I want to hear in the morning and your heartbeat the last thing at night. I want to feel your warmth when the world collapses on me. I want to breathe in your smell when I have gone completely numb. I want this forever and past that. "I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane."

Hope is Here

The fresh breeze brushes against my arm as I type an inspirational story about how I have chosen to change the direction of my life. The students taking summer session at the University pass by as they look down at the ground or their phones. Some talking on the phone and others pacing quickly to proceed with their days. I'm sitting at my absolutely favorite tree, where I wrote my first entry in the diary my brother gave me. I always feel immensely inspired at this spot because it gives me more than just comfort but hope. Its an honor and a blessing to be sitting at a University with a Mac laptop and the ability to write correctly. I have had the chance to get an education and a grandmother who paid for me to get a higher education. Sitting here is more than just an action, it's already a memory engraved in my heart forever. 

Today is no special day except that I have finally come to my senses that I would love to be successful. Instead of just "wanting" to be successful, I am doing everything in my power to "be" successful. I have siblings, cousins, parents, and more that have supported me through this journey only to help me succeed. The unfortunate thing is that I did not take any of that for my first year of college. Many events happened the first months of college and they truly affected me in various ways. I started to give up not only on school but myself as well. I saw no future no matter how much I pushed myself. The more I would try to drown the pain and sorrow, the more they became a burden to my everyday life. I wasn't entirely myself from the months of November to about March. Even in the second semester I had problems focusing on what was important. I was too busy looking at all the things that could possibly distract me. I used every excuse to fail. Every problem became another problem and so on and so forth. I was a legitimate failure for too long. I dont want to keep blaming the events of my life for not succeeding. I am starting to recognize that life has only begun and those 5 to 6 months were only training. I got through them but I barely made it, and I dont ever want to reach rock bottom again. 

These past 2 months have been an epiphany for this path I continue to walk on. I have gained true strength physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have moved out of my house and moved in with a roommate where I have learned true responsibility. I am currently enrolled in a summer session where I also have learned how to focus and the importance of school. Only 4 days into the class and I'm ready to write the paper we are assigned, due at the end of the month. It was like my brain completely shifted in ways I cannot truly explain. I became an actual independent and started to believe in myself. I am starting to see that I can do this no matter what hardships are thrown at me. I am ready to not take on the world but be a part of a revolution. My own little revolution. I will become someone. I will live for the moments but work for the future. I will not be a hero but a legend. I will fail, but only to be successful in the end. 

Still Into You

I have been broken for quite a while now, to the point where I thought I couldn't be fixed. Every girl that tried to talk to me I'd push away because I haven't learned how to let her go. But then I began to talk to a girl who also happens to be broken. She has stopped feeling, she has stopped caring because someone broke her like she broke me. I was attracted to her for her honesty and being up front with me. When she wants to say something to me she'll say it without regret. She's an Aries. They speak their mind and never take a word back. I love that about her. I will always get feedback from her. She has become a great friend to me. I can see the hopelessness in her eyes. I can see the broken piece missing in her smile. But then I made her smile and laugh and something in me lit up. I started to feel alive again. I started to remember what love feels like. This girl is my friend and we will remain friends for as long as possible. In my eyes I see it as a friendship for eternity. I love talking to her about everything. I wake up thinking about her and go to sleep hoping she's thinking about me. I want this friendship to last. I want it to become a relationship where we can help each other heal. I want to be her "perfect" girlfriend. I want her to be mine so I can show off to the world how amazing of a girlfriend I have. Someday I hope this will happen and if it doesn't then I just hope we'll stay great friends. I'm always going to be your friend. I'm always going to be your shoulder to cry on, your friend to hug, your friend to catch your tears before they fall. I love you friend. And I can't wait to see you. Everyday is a day closer to being in your arms. And every time I think of that my heart not only skips a beat but grows bigger for you... Ill be here waiting. Cus I don't wanna be alone. I really wanna be with you...