Such A Beautiful Disaster

Looking in the mirror was torture for months. I didn't know who I was or who I wanted to be. I was a lost soul who would smile to keep the sharks from smelling blood. Faking a happy life because it was better than being asked what was wrong. When everything hurts, staying quiet is better than screaming for help. The poison of everyday consumed me inch by inch, day in and day out. I forgot what it meant to be alive because nothing really mattered to me except making it to the next day. I was a corpse waiting to breathe again.
You came into my life. You had a lost look in your eyes, I was so familiar with this  look because I had seen it a million times before. I tried to fix that mirror you looked into to help you see the beauty beneath the pain. Although the sharp edges to that mirror would stab me I kept trying to fix it. Looking at my hands and only seeing blood for days was killing me in the process. Your pain was slowly becoming my own. But I stayed and watched you turn cold, I would share my warmth even if it wasnt enough. I knew that our wounds would become scars, I was just waiting around for them to heal. I sat there and cried because your coldness would kill me and leave me stranded alone. One day you loved me the next you were a stranger. But I knew it wasn't my fault you were this way. Your past still lingered in your mind and made you who you were for weeks.
Yesterday, today, and even tomorrow I have chosen to stay by you no matter how much you push me away. You have slowly become a part of me. A part of the reason why my heart beats every second. I may not be your perfect cup of tea but I'll be your shoulder to cry on, your best friend, your guide to move forward. I will continue to fight for your happiness because you have taught me to be alive again. Looking in the mirror is not a problem as long as youre by my side. You helped me heal, you helped me forget the past that haunted me for months. You are the reason why I am slowly starting to believe in love again.
Thank you. You know who you are. You are the reason why I wake up smiling everyday. Why people have noticed the glow in my face. I had no idea that someone can change your life in a matter of months. How someone who was also broken can become a part of you and help you through every struggle. You may have been a reason why I cried some nights but only because I loved you so much and it tore me to see you hurt. I wanted to take your pain away so badly it ended up hurting me because I wasnt able to be a hero for you. You saved me... You continue to save me every single day. Your voice is the first thing I want to hear in the morning and your heartbeat the last thing at night. I want to feel your warmth when the world collapses on me. I want to breathe in your smell when I have gone completely numb. I want this forever and past that. "I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane."

Hope is Here

The fresh breeze brushes against my arm as I type an inspirational story about how I have chosen to change the direction of my life. The students taking summer session at the University pass by as they look down at the ground or their phones. Some talking on the phone and others pacing quickly to proceed with their days. I'm sitting at my absolutely favorite tree, where I wrote my first entry in the diary my brother gave me. I always feel immensely inspired at this spot because it gives me more than just comfort but hope. Its an honor and a blessing to be sitting at a University with a Mac laptop and the ability to write correctly. I have had the chance to get an education and a grandmother who paid for me to get a higher education. Sitting here is more than just an action, it's already a memory engraved in my heart forever. 

Today is no special day except that I have finally come to my senses that I would love to be successful. Instead of just "wanting" to be successful, I am doing everything in my power to "be" successful. I have siblings, cousins, parents, and more that have supported me through this journey only to help me succeed. The unfortunate thing is that I did not take any of that for my first year of college. Many events happened the first months of college and they truly affected me in various ways. I started to give up not only on school but myself as well. I saw no future no matter how much I pushed myself. The more I would try to drown the pain and sorrow, the more they became a burden to my everyday life. I wasn't entirely myself from the months of November to about March. Even in the second semester I had problems focusing on what was important. I was too busy looking at all the things that could possibly distract me. I used every excuse to fail. Every problem became another problem and so on and so forth. I was a legitimate failure for too long. I dont want to keep blaming the events of my life for not succeeding. I am starting to recognize that life has only begun and those 5 to 6 months were only training. I got through them but I barely made it, and I dont ever want to reach rock bottom again. 

These past 2 months have been an epiphany for this path I continue to walk on. I have gained true strength physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have moved out of my house and moved in with a roommate where I have learned true responsibility. I am currently enrolled in a summer session where I also have learned how to focus and the importance of school. Only 4 days into the class and I'm ready to write the paper we are assigned, due at the end of the month. It was like my brain completely shifted in ways I cannot truly explain. I became an actual independent and started to believe in myself. I am starting to see that I can do this no matter what hardships are thrown at me. I am ready to not take on the world but be a part of a revolution. My own little revolution. I will become someone. I will live for the moments but work for the future. I will not be a hero but a legend. I will fail, but only to be successful in the end. 

Still Into You

I have been broken for quite a while now, to the point where I thought I couldn't be fixed. Every girl that tried to talk to me I'd push away because I haven't learned how to let her go. But then I began to talk to a girl who also happens to be broken. She has stopped feeling, she has stopped caring because someone broke her like she broke me. I was attracted to her for her honesty and being up front with me. When she wants to say something to me she'll say it without regret. She's an Aries. They speak their mind and never take a word back. I love that about her. I will always get feedback from her. She has become a great friend to me. I can see the hopelessness in her eyes. I can see the broken piece missing in her smile. But then I made her smile and laugh and something in me lit up. I started to feel alive again. I started to remember what love feels like. This girl is my friend and we will remain friends for as long as possible. In my eyes I see it as a friendship for eternity. I love talking to her about everything. I wake up thinking about her and go to sleep hoping she's thinking about me. I want this friendship to last. I want it to become a relationship where we can help each other heal. I want to be her "perfect" girlfriend. I want her to be mine so I can show off to the world how amazing of a girlfriend I have. Someday I hope this will happen and if it doesn't then I just hope we'll stay great friends. I'm always going to be your friend. I'm always going to be your shoulder to cry on, your friend to hug, your friend to catch your tears before they fall. I love you friend. And I can't wait to see you. Everyday is a day closer to being in your arms. And every time I think of that my heart not only skips a beat but grows bigger for you... Ill be here waiting. Cus I don't wanna be alone. I really wanna be with you...

Last Hope

In life we go through situations that seem like a nightmare that we can never quite wake up from. The emotions and feelings are unexplainable because you feel every possible feeling at that moment. You feel like shattering, breaking, and nothing can save you. The pain slowly goes through your veins like morphine. It begins to numb you from your heart to your brain. You stop feeling because nohting else can save you anymore. Until one day someone comes into your life and gives you hope. They make the numbness go away, they make your heart beat again, and most importantly they bring you back to life. But then they shatter you into little pieces, leaving you numb again. Until you learn that this numbness isnt what you think it is. Every situation, every event, every nightmare becomes a test instead of a feeling. And every time, you take the same test you start to get it. You start getting better, you become stronger. Because this test we call life, well its in different forms because for some its hard and for others its not. Its how we choose to prepare for it that matters. Its how we react to the results not the level of difficulty.

Hold on till May

I'm sad and happy at the same time. And I'm still trying to figure out how that can be. I just want someone, anyone to look me in the eye and tell me that I'm going to be okay someday. I want them to tell me that these scars will fade away someday and wont haunt me for the rest of my life. I'd like to wake up someday and not be afraid to look at myself in the mirror. I dont know exactly why I'm still hurting so much. I have let the past define who I am and create the person I am right now. The distinct images of my past haunt me every time I blink. I feel as if I'm locked in a room with sins pouring out of me. I cant hide who I am anymore because its all starting to spill out from my dreams, my goals, and even my words and actions.
I dont want the world to see me, cus I dont think that they'd understand. I dont think anyone truly knows whats killing me everyday, and no matter how much I want to say it I cant. I can't let it become my identity. I cant let others see what is tearing me apart because it would only open the wounds up even more. I am not a fake, I am me all the way. But I am hiding the biggest secret of my life and its killing me slowly every single day. Its not about her, or them, its about me. It's about the falsification of my life and how I've learned to cover up the bad with a smile that I cant control anymore. Because all my life I have been told that I need to keep being strong. I've always been the one to smile even when everything inside me is on fire. I've always been the one who had to stand up straight and act like nothing can ever destroy me. What if I want to just be weak for a day or two. What if I want to just cry and let the world know that I am strong but I deserve to fall at times. They say that sometimes being strong is the only thing you're left with. I disagree. I've been strong this entire time and I've seen other options when bad things happen to me. Instead of letting myself go I pick myself up and keep walking. But I'm just so damn tired that I dont feel like walking anymore. I just want stop and let life take me away for a while. I just want to forgive myself before I can go on and forgive everyone else. I want to tell myself I'm beautiful before I tell everyone else they are. I want to love myself. Just for a minute without feeling bad about it.
But I dont want to become the victim nor the one who is holding the gun. I just want someone to know who I am without judging me for a split second. I dont want someone to tell me I'll be okay just so I can shut up or they can get money out of it. I just want someone to love me for all the sins I have committed. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me I'm a monster but it's okay because there is always a light somewhere in a tunnel. I want someone to know the real me and understand why I've been hiding behind the music and smiles for so long. Just for once in my life I want to know that tomorrow will not be another battle but a gateway to recovery.

Education

Education has always been a very important aspect in my life, ever since I was little. My parents always told me to do good in school so that I didnt I have to work as hard as they did. They told me that going to school would benefit me for the rest of my life. It would help me get a job easier and I wouldn't have to work so hard to get money. They wanted what was best for me and that was education. Ever since I can remember I saw my brother and sister come home from school and do their homework. They never really struggled with school until they began college. Well at least for my sister I watched her sit at the table for hours doing homework. For my brother it came easier than it was for my sister and I. And well me. I'm me. Ive always struggle with school. I think the only time I got straight A's was in 5th grade and thats becasue my teacher was a hippie and gave everyone an A. He didnt really care and at that moment I thought I was the best in the world. The years before that obviously i just got A's and B's. In 4th grade I remember I got my first C and I was devastated. I couldnt believe I was only 9 and I was already getting C's. Oh man was I in for a surprise. Its not that Im not smart I just dont have the motivation and brains like my sister and brother did. And as much as i hate comparing myself to them I always do because I always hope to be like them in that aspect. Smart. School has always been a struggle but I think its because I never asked for help. I never showed I struggled or didnt do my homework because I was embarrased I wasnt like them. School just isnt my thing.
Although this college semester wasnt the best start to another 3 years I plan to change that aspect in my life and make it the best. I know it wont be easy but I want to work harder for what I deserve. I either want to be a child psychologist, a teacher, or a writer. Either or I know ill do great in but I need that pathway of college to get me there. I cant just get there with a snap of my fingers. So what I'm trying to get at is education is important kids. Its always been and will always be important in this life. Intelligence is key in life. If you have intelligence you can have more than you ever dreamed of. Be smart with your decisions. Be smart with school. Because school is the gateway to a very successful future.
Carry on folks.

Perfection

April 5th their album came out. I didn't have it by midnight like a lot of other crazed fans. I actually went out and bought it because I have their other 3 albums. When I listened to the preview of the songs a week earlier I didnt know if I liked it or not. It was different from their last album because it was a bit too poppy for me. But once I bought the album it's all I listened to for 3 days straight. I had it on repeat and lisened to it any change I had. In the bathroom, on my way to school, next to my cat, doing homework, showering. I just kept trying to let it sink in. The first couple of times I just listened to the instruments more and then started getting into the lyrics. I had a couple favorites that I had a repeat more than others. "Ain't it fun" is by far my favorite on the album. The song is talking about going into the real world and pretty much just growing up. Not being able to go to your mom crying, because its the real world now and you have to handle it by yourself. "Ain't it easy to ignore trouble
When you're living in a bubble". One of em my favorite lines of the song because so many people think life is so easy when you have everything you want, your mom or dad giving you whatever you want or busting you out of trouble. Well in the real world it isnt like that kids. You have to learn your lesson because someone isnt going to pick you up everytime you fall. Its not going to be easy to just get up and brush it off, there will be days where you have to really struggle to get back on just your knees. So thats why I love that song because it relates to my situation of moving out in a month with a friend. Even though I live with my sister right now who isnt as strict as my parents were but I wont be with family anymore. Its a big transition for me and listening to this song kind of prepares me for the big world out there
Another one of my favorite songs is "Still Into You". Talking about someone still being into their partner after a couple years of being together. She still gets the butterfly effect and even after all that time shes still into him or her. Doesnt really pertain to my life because I dont really have someone that I've like for a while. I get butterflies with one girl though but I just met her and we havent dated yet. But maybe someday I'll get to sing that song to her after years of dating or marriage. You just never know.
Overall all the songs have something to say about what Im going through at the moment. Its a great album and I really really enjoy listening to it. Its by far my favorite of the four and it just helps me with life. It really does and like Hayley Williams said "support music everyday, because there isnt a day where music hasnt supported you". I absolutely love that quote because it is very true. Since the day I started listening to Paramore I havent felt completely alone. Their music really gets me in the mood to just live life. They have a couple debbie downer songs but even those have helped me cope with the pain through the years. I really dont think I'll stop liking Paramore. I've liked them since 8th grade and thats what? 5 years. I can see myself being a fan for a while. I even have a Paramore inspired tattoo on my back. Well actually its their album cover from "Brand New Eyes". I love it more and more each day and I love the band they come out with songs. They're an inspiration to my everyday life and I'll be seeing them in about 3 weeks. So im really excited for that and I will continue to be a Paramore fanatic. They're my "only exception".

Confusion at it's finest

I lift my head up to only see that others are broken without a visual. I can understand that their smile isnt real but a mask to cover the pain. They dont understand that we fight a battle everyday and they have no clue. They watch us with intensity in the moments where we are holding it together, trying our best not to break. But they turn away when our veins are bursting through our skin. We see the world as a playground in our best moments but our battlefield when we wake. I dont understand the world just as much as they do. They seem just as lost and confused as I have been for the last 18 years of life. We fight like itll be our last breath but we dont enjoy like its our first. We see the negative outcomes of every situation instead of seeing it as a lesson. Our lives are not clear because we think too much, we over analyze every detail of our every day life. We dont enjoy the details, we make them clues as to what is next.
She lifts her head to only see the smiling faces of the people she loves most. She understands their joy and happiness of life. She makes life seem so easy because nothing seems more clear than the life she has lived. She walks from hall to hall with nothing but a grin, saying hello to strangers who also enjoy life. She wakes everyday to only laugh at the gift God has blessed her with. Her every breath is never a regret but a thank you for letting her have another. Her eyes glisten with the sun and they light up the others around. Her soul is there, her mind is filled with love, and her heart is filled with hope. She enjoys the moments and appreciates the details. She never puts her head down because that is her first sign of death. She only looks up to her future and engraves the prosperous words of others into her heart. She is not giving up ever. She will never give up. Because giving up means she has lost the war.
I dont really understand myself. I dont understand the things I write sometimes either. I just let my mind do the talking and my heart do the correcting. I dont understand why sometimes I can be both the views above. I see the world as an imperfect place and I can see it as the most breathtaking place God has to offer. I dont understand why sometimes I feel maybe I look at others and wonder if theyre going through the same. Does it really matter? They arent effecting me or anything why should I think about it all the time. Why do I always wonder what the hell others are feeling and thinking about. As long as they arent hurting me it shouldnt ever matter. I dont understand this passage. I dont really know if who I"m talking about is me. Of if its someone I see in the mirror. Why? Who? When? How? I'm misunderstood and this is by the far the most confusing blog youll ever have to read thats mine. Because right now I'm broken into two people. The dark side and the good side. And to be honest they both feel so good. And later I might feel like the strong girl who enjoys every detail. But for now I'll just smile and act like everything's ok.
Good day.

3 Days Grace

The last 3 days have been quite eventful. More eventful than in the month of March. On Monday I went to a Sleeping With Sirens concert, and I'm sure a lot of you have no idea who they are. Well theyre one of my favorite bands and they happened to be my girlfriend's favorite band. She listened to them daily and I really got into them,since she had them on, not kidding, all the time! They're lyrics were extremely lovey dovey for a punk rock group but theyre actually really great. If you have the chance you should check them out. Anyway, I got to see them play a couple acoustic songs and we got to meet them. They were pretty cool and I got the lead singer to sign my arm right by the tattoo I dedicated to her.
Once the concert started it was great to listen to them again. Even though I had seen them twice already, it was still a great concert. They played "Iris" the cover they did by the Goo Goo Dolls. That song really hit me hard. I began to listen to it a lot after she passed away, it was as she was talking to me through the song. I didnt cry but all I could do was keep my eyes open to hold back the tears. They later got into their more punk rock songs and the sad feeling went away. But then they played "If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn" and thats when I couldnt really control what I was feeling. I sang at the top of my lungs and I was sure my voice box would rip open through my neck. My heart was beating louder than hell and it may have been louder than the music itself. When it got to "your forever is all that I need" I looked up and I felt her presence. I remembered all the amazing moments we once had. From the first time we listened to the song to the last time I ever saw her. All I could do was smile and just keep singing. I knew she was there, I felt her in that moment like I never have before. It was like she was there, standing next to me, giving me a kiss on the cheek for the last time. After the concert I went home and cried. Of course, because I had never felt so close to someone who had already passed away. But in that moment I realized that I needed to let her go. I needed to free her spirit so she can rest in peace, once and for all. Lingering onto her will not give her any peace nor will it give me any. The memories and the love will always be there, but hoping and praying that she'll send me strength wont get me anywhere. I need to find my own strength and learn how to not rely on her to send me good vibes. So as of that day, I will be moving. I dont really know how long itll be until I break down, or if I'll ever break down like that again. All I know is that I need to close that chapter in my life so I can open and start the next one. I'll always love you Adri, always, but you and I both know that I need to move on so I can finally be happy again.
Tuesday was just another Tuesday. I slept all day long since the night before I got home late and the concert was pretty rowdy. So my body was sore and I was tired. I just wanted to lay there all day long and not do a thing. Which I did for maybe half the day but then I got up and went on with my life It was time to go to math class and I did then did some homework. As usual I went and did my daily gym trip and I was walking out to my car I noticed my window was cracked.. again! It looked like someone had thrown a rock and failed to break the whole window. It was shattered and for once I was calm went back in there and filed a report. I got back in my car, called my best friend to tell her about it and moved on with my life. As I was driving the pieces of glass were flying off. Very dangerous but I made it home with just a couple cuts. I didnt cry surprisingly and just went to bed and figured it all out the next day. Nothing got stolen, and they didnt actually break into the car. It could have been much worse and thats why I didnt let it get to me. I dont understand why things like that happen to me, but its life and I wont let things like that pull me down.
The next day which was Wednesday I had another concert to go to. Pierce the Veil. They're also like Sleeping with Sirens, a punk rock group that a lot of people actually know. I went to school did all my things and finally went to the concert with my best friend Elena. The concert was absolutely insane! I could not believe how many people were there. I didnt even know Reno had that many people who like Pierce the Veil. I guess theyre a lot more popular than I expected. So as we walked in there were already tons of people crowding around the stage. It was extremely stuffy and it smelled pretty bad. That wasnt even the worst because we were on the outside of the crowd. We decided to make our way through to the front of the stage to get a better look at the bands. The closer you got to the stage the smellier, the more sweat you came in contact with, the more people rubbed up on every inch of your body. You can get the picture. It was PACKED like sardines. I couldnt believe how many people were in that place. But all I cared about was getting as close as possible and just having fun. Because we were at a punk rock concert of course there were moshpits. Moshing is probably the craziest and most idiotic thing at rock concerts. Its just a bunch of guys and girls in a circle throwing their arms around violently. There were mosh pits at every corner. No matter how crazy the crowd was the band was amazing. They pumped up the crowd like no other. I had never felt so alive during and after a concert. Even though my body was in pain my mind was running wild. The singer talked a little about how music is always there for people and how many times it had saved any of us. Of course I yelled at the top of my lungs. Music has always been there for me when no one else was. Music is my best friend, my life, and my other half. It has always supported me and I will always support it back. I love music. And I love how amazing the last 3 days were. I had one down and 2 great ups. I realized that life isnt always going to be laughs and happiness. There will be downs and you just have to learn to keep moving forwards. Theres a solution to every problem. And the last 3 days made me realize that I have so many things to do in life. Im not stopping here. My breath was taken twice by amazing concerts. I can only imagine what else life has to offer.. Keep your heads up kids. Life is worth it. It will always be worth it.

Epiphany 101

Last night I had an epiphany about almost everything in my life. As I was laying in my bed I realized that I wasnt where I wanted to be. Not physically in the wrong house or spot. I was mentally lost because I knew that this was just the beginning to a new story. For the past couple months, or year I'd say my life changed more than expected. I went downhill instead of using all the negative energy to help me succeed I let it rip me apart. I let it define who I was by showing people that it was killing me rather than making me stronger. Many things happened that I dont want to touch on because I probably wouldnt stop typing. The list is too long. And there I go again thinking that its ok to just give up just because Ive had a bad case of luck. I dont think things happen to me because I'm a bad person. I think they happen to me because God wants to prepare me for what is to come. But if you really think about it how prepared can you be for life? Life will always throw curveballs no matter how prepared you think you are. Life doesnt get any easier you just become stronger. And even though I sit in my bed and whine about how much I hate my life, at times I cry because I cant believe I want to give up after all the things God has blessed me with. I have a family, a house, a job, friends, and so much more. I have more than half the population on earth. I can talk, walk, and all my body part are here. Well some.
Sometimes I dont understand why I feel so bad for myself. I have everything I could possibly ask for. And sometimes I think maybe I dont deserve all of what I have. All I know is that I have struggled through life. I have been through things that I thought would be unbearable. And sometimes I wonder how I can smile with all thats going. And then I think i deserve to smile because of all the unfortunate events that have shaped me. They dont define who I truly am but they have formed me into a really great person. I have learned to love and never hate. I dont know what others are going through and thats why I always try not to judge others. I know how terrible it feels to have someone talk bad about me when they dont even really know me. Just because I'm gay doesnt mean I'm a bad person. It doesnt mean that I'm a typical gay person. Stereotyping isnt my thing and thats why I refuse to label others. I dont understand what theyre going through and they certainly dont know my story either.
I dont really know where I'm going with this blog except that I have learned a lot in the past year. From how strong I can be to how envious I can selfishly be. Of course I wish I had what others have but I dont treat people differently because they have more or less than I do. I have learned to pick my head up and keep going. Of course I have my moments where giving up is the easiest thing. And as I was talking to my sister today she told me how amazing psychology is as a career. Its very hard and you have to be smart. I'm certainly not the smartest or dumbest kid but I have the potential to learn. And what I love most about my future career is that I'll be helping others. I have the personality to listen and to advise. I had bad things happen to me as a kid, an adolescent, and a young adult. I want to help those who went through what i went through or worse. Because I know how terrible it feels to feel helpless, worthless, and just straight depressed. I want to help because Ive been helped. I want to love becuase Ive been loved. I lost someone so special to me through suicide and I hope to help someone realize that life is worth it. Nothing is as a painful as realizing that with suicide you cant come back. Theres no second chance, you're done at where you draw the line. "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Anyone whos reading this and wants someone to listen, I'm here. I will do my best to give you the best advice i have. But what I can do is listen and understand.

Same Sex Marriage

I haven't really touched this topic yet and I really think its an important subject to discuss. I am obviously for same sex marriage because I hope someday wherever I am I will get married to another female without having any problems. I saw on the news today that the Argentinan pope said "Same sex marriage is a destructive pretension against the plan of god." Now what exactly does that mean?
If god loved all his children why would he deny those who are only loving another person? Just because a higher person is saying that its bad everyone thinks it is. Or people who follow that religion. I don't have a religion. I believe in God, Jesus Christ, and the Virgin Mary. I believe they watch over me everysingle day. And I believe in Heaven and Hell. What I dont believe is that I'm going to hell for being myself. I cannot control my attraction and love for women. Its impossible to force myself to love a man. How do I know? Well i tried it for 18 years and I have never hated myself more. When I finally came out about it my family and friends were extremely supportive. It was hard after so long to just say hey this is who I am. Not many people can say that and feel good about themselves.
I have gotten in to countless amounts of fights with my mom about not believing in the church. She is so much about God ever since she got a divorce that I feel she tries to make me feel bad about it. Well guess what mom, why dont you feel bad that I cant get married in a church? You wont get to see your second daughter get married because its "against religion". Becuase God supposably doesnt love me for being gay?
Well guess what. I really dont care. I care about the fact that I want to be happy instead of pleasing everyone. I rather get married on the beach anyway. It's a lot more natural and God made it not the hands of judgemental men. And I'm so sorry if anyone reading this is getting offended because to be honest getting rude names yelled at me isnt very nice either. I have my own opinion and you certainly have yours. I remain gay and think I always will be. I believe in same sex marriage and I believe love has no gender or color. I hope someday people will get their heads out of their ass and realize whats going on here. God wants peace and love right? So why are you hating?

The Hearbreak Hotel

Last night I witnessed a true heart break. I watched someone I love dearly cry herself to sleep. I listened to her veracious words slap him across the face. I saw the truth light up in her eyes, and that truth is what will push her to move on. I layed next to her and I could feel her pain run through my own veins. I could hear her heart beating too quick it might shoot out of her own chest. And I would be there to hold on to it and help her fix it. I was there to rub her back as she looked to the ground and realized that she didnt want to deal with this pain anymore. She wanted to move forward with her life and forget him forever.
Two years ago I watched a man who had everything, a family, a wife, kids in school, a job, a house, cars, money, health, and an identity also get his heart broken. I watched him cry. I watched him yell in frustration. I watched him turn into a stranger. I was there when he slowly dissappeared from my life. I heard him say things I hoped to never hear from anyone. I looked him in the eyes and watched his turn a different color. They became darker, they became unfamiliar and hopeless. All because one woman, ended everything and changed our lives forever.
I've seen two hearbreaks that have killed me slowly but surely. Both people I look up to and wonder how they're still able to smile throughout the day. One became so unfamiliar and the other became the strongest woman I'll ever know. They have loved and they have lost. They have had their hearts broken so bad that mine is beginning to shatter just by watching.  I lost my love through death but I wasn't deceived like they were.
Love is a funny thing. It's strange, hurtful, hopeful, deceiving, and unexplainable at times. I have been in love and I still am in love with someone whom I'll never see again, for as long as I'm alive. I have seen her love a man who was unfaithful and did not deserve her since the beginning. I have seen a man fall in love with a woman who hid so much and destroyed him with just a couple words. I have seen love bring people together and I have seen it demolish. It's so sweet yet so rotten at times. It'll either rip you apart, or make you into someone you'd never even believe. I don't think love is a bad thing it just hurts like hell. Love is a four letter word that I won't ever understand. These hearbreaks that I have witnessed and felt make me realize that God saved us from the wrong ones. But like a great man once said " I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear."

This is me

Have you ever had that feeling where you know you just don't fit in? I'm sure a variety of people have felt this way at least once in their life. Have you ever opened your eyes and realized that life has so much to offer and you're trapped in a closet? Not necessarily physically locked in a closet but more like mentally trapped in a world of discomfort and pain. The feeling of not being able to be yourself because you're terrified of being who you truly are?

 I understand that feeling because I felt it for more than 10 years of my life. No I am not saying that I walked around school with red hair or piercing on my eye lids. I walked around my school, restaurants, and even my home terrified that someone would find out my big secret. No, I didn't kill anyone or throw a body in my closet. It was more like I was afraid of myself and what I truly wanted. I grew up in a typical mexican family where marriage is a huge thing. You find someone you truly care about, marry them then have kids and live happily ever after. The hard part about that fairy tale story was I didnt want to find my prince charming, it was more like I wanted to find my Cinderella.

Yes the person who is typing this blog is gay. No I'm not a bad person for it and I don't think i should be judged because of it. If you agree with it or not it wont change my mind of who I am and who I will be in the future. And it certainly shouldn't matter when it comes to how I write. I have read about so many amazing inspirational gay authors that it truly inspires me to be a great writer as well.

But anyway I came out not too long ago because I decided that hiding who I am wasn't going to help me through life. If I can't even accept myself how were others going to accept me or even respect me for that matter. I've seen colleagues, actors, singers, family members come out about their sexuality and they raised their heads high and didnt let anyone bring them down. What I also saw was the reality of the cruel world we live in. I saw friends of friends kill themselves because they were literally bullied to death. I certainly didnt want to put myself through that, at least I didnt think I could handle such embarrasment. What was I embarrased of? Being gay or being different? A little of both unfortunately. And to this day I am embarrassed that I had enough shame to not be open with the people that loved me. It was as if they were loving someone they truly didn't know. 

I woke up everyday and went on with my daily activities like I was this girl they knew all about. Until one day I realized not only were they skimming over an important detail but so was I. I would act like my attraction to females was something to hide, something to be ashamed of because I knew it would be looked at as "different." Who was I to judge myself for being who I really was? I wasted my entire life being afraid of such a beautiful person. I could have been out there falling in love with an amazing girl. Instead I was listening to society and forcing myself to love a man because it was the "normal" thing to do. 

What is "normal" in this society? What is the difference between black and white? They're both colors correct? But do they truly define objects, or are they just the picture on the surface? It shouldn't matter if someone loves the same sex or if they're into sports or not. I have learned to be myself. And since the day I let the rest of the world know that I was a beautiful person no matter my sexual preference I have smiled more than i used to. And I continue to accept myself as the days pass me by. Everyday I find myself and I smile a little bigger, my head gets a little higher, and my hope for the future grows immensely. I one day wish to let others know that it will be okay. It will be quite the struggle at first, but it will worth it in the end. Love is a universal thing, it should have no color or gender. Love is beautiful, patient, and kind. No matter if the one you're in love with is a man or women. Always, always remember that life will be tough but nothing feels more significant than knowing who you truly are and loving every ounce of it.